Nicknames

Sometimes I get tired of writing entries about jihad, faith and civil unrest. Today, let’s reveal some of the nicknames given to students at my school by myself and other meanies. For the most part, these names are never said to their owners’ faces; nor do any of the characters below read this blog. Rest assured that no one’s feelings are getting hurt, such as mine did every day when the little children would call me Jolly Green Giant, Pee Wee Herman, and – along with my brother – The Twin Towers.

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Unabomber – Boasting a thick, untrimmed beard and ultra-conservative point of view, Unabomber actually became my friend after several months of fear. Last month, he invited me for a midnight stroll in an Orthodox neighborhood where men were rioting leading up to the Pride event. Unabomber had been every night that week, taking delight in the show of police on horseback chasing errant yeshiva boys down alleys. Unabomber has more than lived up to his nickname, expressing deep contempt for Left-wingers and establishment people at every turn. Sometime soon, I will join him for all-you-can-eat-sushi at the Kind David Citadel, which he attends every week.

Anne Frank – This is newly minted nickname for a rather annoying girl who bears a striking resemblance to the Nazis’ most famous victim (pictured above). Anne Frank sits in Hebrew class constantly calling out answers, so much so that the teachers regularly ask her to be quiet so other students can learn. She also leaves class several times each session, returning with a cup of tea and smile on her face. Perhaps she’s been up to the loft for a quick kiss with Peter, her secret attic boyfriend? Last week in class, Anne Frank would not simmer down during discussion of a reading we did on Poland, anti-Semitism and the Holocaust, contradicting the teacher at every turn. Anne Frank. Best nickname ever.

Nemesis – Nemesis is a true demon. One of the most condescending and arrogant people you will ever meet, this jerk was told by a popular professor last year to leave class and never come back. Why? Nemesis would spend the class reading the newspaper, occasionally calling out to contradict the teacher. When the teacher replied, Nemesis would again lift up his newspaper, feeling no need to dialogue with a common university lecturer. Disturbingly, Nemesis pops up everywhere, especially at the start of each semester, when he samples many classes and urges professors to alter syllabi to meet his learning needs. I don’t want to stoop so low as to make fun of Nemesis’ physical appearance, but try to picture the offspring of an oompa loompa mated with a gremlin.

Asian Schoolgirl Fantasy – Though I have been in classes with her for three semesters, I can’t remember ever hearing Asian Schoolgirl Fantasy volunteer to say anything. She does, however, enter the room exactly five minutes late, every time, without failure. Typically, she is dressed in a short plaid skirt and knee-high black leather boots, drawing the lustful gaze of most breeder men – or at least those not seated with a spouse or serious girlfriend. Personally, I admire Asian Schoolgirl Fantasy tremendously – for allegedly knowing several languages, for making no apologies, and for being the topic of whispered conversation throughout the school.

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That’s all for now, but if I get positive feedback, we’ll do another round.

Comments

[Kate]

I vote for more of that, especially if there's sushi with the Unabomber.

[Virginia]

Your fans would love it if you posted photos of the Asian Schoolgirl Fantasy.