From Jerusalem with Love

It's Complex

This image proves that confusion takes many forms.

I took the photo during a class about Iran’s “religious fighters.” The mishmash allegedly represents Iran’s complex government structure, including the interaction between religious authorities and state organs. Would you like to try jotting it down? My three other new classes also promise to focus on complexities, albeit ones closer to home, and hopefully with the aid of Microsoft PowerPoint.

Most exciting is “Multiple Voices in Israel,” offering my first female professor in three semesters of graduate school, and – fittingly – examination of the country’s complex social pie (i.e., Jews from the West versus the East, Israeli-Arabs, gays, etc.). Another class sure to spark debate is on the role of peace processes and peace-keeping in the Middle East. I already took the professor to task for telling 50 students that Egypt offered Israel full peace before 1973’s Yom Kippur War and Israel rejected it out of hand (misleading oversimplification). Finally, I am taking a class on consumerism in Israeli society – definitely a niche subject worthy of the “master” in my alleged forthcoming master’s degree.

Even in my Hebrew program this semester, complexities promise to roll off the dry erase board, textbook and my eager tongue. One of the semester’s three textbooks, written by my teacher, focuses on the lexicon of Hebrew.

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lex·i·con n. pl. The morphemes of a language considered as a group.

mor·pheme n. A meaningful linguistic unit consisting of a word, such as man, or a word element, such as -ed in walked, that cannot be divided into smaller meaningful parts.

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Bottom line: this book is nit-picky and possibly wretched. Sitting in class this week, I wondered when exactly I’d gone from the “advanced beginner” stage of Hebrew to the actual “advanced” level? Don’t I still not know how to say “pass the salt?” Can I just point and grunt, like I do in English?

It’s a good thing I thrive on complexities in all their various guises – academics, languages, personal dilemmas, etc. A long-time mentor/friend often refers to the “pieces” of one’s life, visa vie what might be missing, what needs attention, etc. I imagine a big jigsaw puzzle of someone’s face, surrounded by smaller images of their friends, family, favorite foods, bedding, etc.. Key pieces are missing or squeezed into the wrong slots, i.e., the subject’s eye is nestled in her ear.

Writing a 20-page paper is like one of these puzzles. The thesis forms a frame for the puzzle, and research, organizing and writing fill in the blanks. It’s very possible to bury the thesis on page 8, or forget to write a conclusion, or leave the bibliography on the bus. I just finished putting the pieces together of one such puzzle of a 20-page paper.

Based on overwhelming positive reaction to the 2007 Penguin Panorama Calendar (see entry below), I know there’s a real thirst for “primary sources” connected to this blog. Always aiming to please, I welcome you to click below to read the finished product in all its fluffy glory:

Projecting a Nation: Israeli Cinema’s Evolving Role in Nation-Building and Identity Perception.

Warning: it’s complex.

Download israeli_cinemas_evolving_role.doc

Christmas in October

Matt Lebovic Living is pleased to announce the launch of its first-ever home and office product, the 2007 Penguin Panorama Calendar.

After serious debate at the decision-making level, it was determined this product should be available free of charge on this blog, “From Jerusalem With Love.” We firmly believe in the power of penguins to lighten people up and provide laughs.

The full calendar, including cover and introduction, is available below as a download. Pages can be printed “as in,” or brought to Staples, Kinko’s or CopyCop for fancy printing and binding. Posting this product online also allows you to redistribute it to friends and loved ones via the Internet.

Matt Lebovic Living welcomes your feedback on this extraordinary new product (mlebovic@aol.com), just no complaints.

Click here for the penguins:

Download 2007_penguin_panorama_calendar.zip

Memory Lane

The things I do to beat jet lag.

Disturbingly, after one week back in Israel, I’m still waking up at 3 am, not tired at all. The good news for you is that I have been using this time to work on the Penguin Panorama 2007 Calendar, a Matt Lebovic Living original product coming to the Internet soon. The bad news is that I am f—ked up and need to get back on track.

Today I took a gallant stand against jet lag by putting myself on a bus to the Galilee at 8:30 am. The goal? Stay awake all day until midnight, tire myself out, and then let the sleep roll in like Niagara Falls until at least 7 am. After two hours on the bus I arrived at my Galilee destination – Nahalal.

Nahalal was the first moshav in Israel, founded almost 100 years old. A moshav means that the farming operation has some collective elements, but not everything is shared like on in a kibbutz. Nahalal is one of Israel’s most famous places, in part because of its pizza pie design. When the pioneers came to settle the Jezreel Valley where Nahalal sits, they built the moshav in a circular fashion for defense reasons. All the houses and farm buildings sit in the center of the circle, and from that core radiate the pizza “slices,” aka farms. Many aerial shots have been taken of Nahalal and its design has been copied in Israel and elsewhere (see photo above, from israelimages.com – a HOT site).

A malarial swamp just a century ago, the region was drained and planted by Zionist pioneers, whose descendants continue to feed the residents of Tel Aviv and the rest of the country. This is the Israel I found in Sunday School text books when I was an eager young student during the Reagan and Bush Daddy years. Valleys, streams, flowers, prophets sitting under ancient trees, and the occasional stray sheep that might lead you to a burning bush.

Nahalal was home to two of Israel’s most famous men – war hero Moshe Dayan (black eye patch) and pilot and astronaut Ilan Ramon, lost in the space shuttle disaster several years ago. In addition to these luminaries, yours truly spent three months living at Nahalal during my volunteer year (April-June, 2001). With five other volunteers, I helped teach English at the local high school and hung out with troubled teenagers at the boarding school.

Having picturesque Nahalal as my home for the final part of the volunteer year was a great sedative before returning to the US. Almost every night I walked the inner circle of farm houses, looked up at the stars, smelled the cow dung, and tried to not get bitten by the boarding school students (this happened twice).

Today was my first visit back since those days half a decade ago. Nahalal being a rural farming community, not much has changed. With my atlas and compass in hand, I was surprised to realize one can see the buildings atop distant Mt. Carmel (Haifa) to the northwest. This was the region that came under Hizballah rocket attack for a full month this summer, forcing thousands to flee south or live in bomb shelters for days on end.

I attempted to locate the famous founders’ cemetery where Moshe Dayan and Ilan Ramon are buried, but was unsuccessful. This time, I did everything I could – I asked for directions, used my map and compass, and stayed sober. Alas, I did not see any signs necessary to find this hallowed plot of land two miles from the pizza pie. It occurred to me I could hail a motorist and say I am Ilan Ramon’s cousin from Brooklyn, and won’t you please take me to his grave? I was too sweaty and wretched by the time I had this idea, so instead I continued walking to the small city in the distance (Migdal HaEmek/“The Valley Tower”), where I got a bus back home.

I am definitely envious of people who live on farms. To be in touch with nature, work the land, and not be surrounded by cars, noise and obnoxious people all day. I feel like the people at Nahalal don’t need yoga, massages, or SSRI’s, because living in the middle of the Galilee acts as a natural mood enhancer. Hizballah rockets aside, you can’t get more zen than living in the heart of the Jezreel Valley, Israel’s breathtaking breadbasket. If only they’d put in a food court for wanderers like myself, we’d be all set.

(See the Nahalal photo album for a guided tour of this famous farming community, including a trip down memory lane.)

The More Things Change...

I’ve been back in Israel just four days, and spent most of that time in my apartment battling jet lag, cleaning, and writing a paper showing Israeli cinema’s portrayal of the country as a big nut house for the Jewish people. Still, alert as ever, I’ve picked up on some major changes (and non-changes) in my Anglo-filled Jerusalem neighborhood:

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Change:

The ice cream place that opened last summer has been renamed. It opened with the name “Cream & Dream,” the source of hearty and slightly embarrassed chuckles on the part of English speakers who aren’t either senior citizens or virgins. Apparently, enough people told the owners about the name’s alternative meaning, and during my two-month hiatus from Israel the store was renamed “Sweet Dreams.” Lame! Just because of the uncalled for change, I bought my ice cream at another new place down the street, called Aldo. Boring!

No Change:

I still love many things about being in Israel that one can’t really have in the US. Last night began the Simchat Torah holiday, where the annual cycle of Torah reading closes and begins again. Liberty Bell Garden (hmmm) in the city center hosted a massive celebration with bands, wild circle dancing, marching around with Torahs saved from Vilna during the Holocaust, and general revelry. I came expecting to take photos as usual and be more spectator than participant, but found myself dancing and having simcha (joy) for the Torah like everyone else. All this was paid for by the city, in the center of town, in “war torn” Israel.

Change:

My Baka neighborhood has opened two more beauty salons since I left. There already were literally a dozen such establishments within a couple minutes’ walk from my building, proving my neighborhood is where people go to look better. Sadly, the new “Elle” salon two buildings down has usurped 1/3 of the old age home for its premises! This means there will be less room for elderly men to ask for me cigarettes as I walk by, but more room for Israeli women to have their hair colored that nasty purple-red thing. Fortunately, my salon – “Marc” – is untouched, so I can still think of my father, first college roommate (miserable beast) and former therapist of three years whenever I go in to look better.

No Change:

People still throw out old books. But since we’re the “People of the Book,” discarded books don’t go in the trash bin, but on top of it. Last night I picked up treasures included the Hebrew translation of Shel Silversteins “A Light in the Attic” and someone’s collection of Israeli stamps from the 60’s and 70’s! These were added to the Harry Potter in Hebrew and “countries of the world” in Hebrew gems already lining my shelf. Don’t people realize used books make great gifts for cheap gift givers? At any rate, with one eye open - and one hand in the trash - I’ll be able to build a mini-library for free by the end of my program.

Change and No Change:

The Gay Pride Parade, postponed from this summer due to the war and general hostility from the holy men in the municipality, has been rescheduled for Nov. 10. Ultra-Orthodox leaders have promised thousands of their black hat-clad constituents will be out in force to shame us children of Sodom and Gemorrah as we march for tolerance, brother- and sisterhood, etc. Interestingly, on the Israeli dating site atraf.co.il, I still get a few Emails every week from married, Orthodox men, sometimes with children, looking to “hook up,” total discretion required of course. Are these the same men who will chant hateful slogans at me during the march? Or is it another crop of black hats? At any rate, dates and locations are always changing, but hypocrisy and closet cases are alive, well and unseemly as ever in the Holy City.

(I missed this week's International Parade in Jerusalem, but my hunch is that people once again marched around with mail boxes as they did in my photo from last year, above.)

Searching...

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I just went on to jpost.com to make sure Israel is still there.

I’ve done it many times since flying in from Jerusalem this summer, out of habit. Unless you check a site like jpost.com or haaretz.com or another Israeli news source, you’re likely never to hear anything about Israel except terrorism, war, destruction, and attack. These sweet tidings from CNN can put one in the frame of mind that Israel is in fact quite temporary, as its enemies regularly proclaim, and that the embattled state might well disappear at any moment.

If Israel did disappear between now and my flight back on Tuesday, would I be able to exchange my ticket? Where would I go? Probably to Amsterdam. Or maybe Iraq, where the ancient Israelis fled after the destruction of the first Temple in Jerusalem (Iraq=ancient Babylon).

As it often does, the Internet assuaged my worry. Israel is still there. Same shit, different day. Once checking up on my second/first home, I read Emails, looked at movie times, printed out an NYC walk to do tomorrow, and researched a paper I’m writing on Israeli cinema’s portrayal of the country as a mental institution for the Jewish people.

Thanks to the Internet, you can search for just about anything, at any time of day. You can find groceries for delivery to your home, the new Bette Midler Christmas CD on Amazon.com, or driving directions to your therapist’s office. With the power of digital searches comes all kinds of chuckles, of course, including one related to this blog.

“From Jerusalem with Love” gets about 50 visitors a day. Though most of these are people I know, some come from Internet Google-type searches whose results display my blog. I recently discovered that through Friendster (the blog host), I can view the actual text typed in by people who came to my blog via Google searches. Below are topics from the past few days. As you can see (or not), most of these are not actual “topics” of mine, but rather words that have appeared in various (sometimes multiple) entries.

Here they are, copy and pasted from Google as typed in by anonymous Internet users around the world:

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• Gay massage Tel Aviv
• Cornerstone life coaching
• I love jihad Jerusalem
• security fence
• Jewish new year fun hizballah
• Reflection of the legacy of love
• picture album seminary girls
• Israel Zach Jones' mom naked
• crocs Jerusalem
• mazada Israel
• bubble film Israel
• matt lebovic

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But where's the Muffin?

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(My photo from Ammunition Hill in Jerusalem, above)

What If?

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I didn't think I would spend six weeks in Boston this year until the poons at school neglected to tell me that my Stafford loan would be cut by 1/3 because HRH was not going to take the Hebrew program this summer. Since the trust fund does not activate until I am 30 in six years, I had to get employed for 6 weeks.  Abandoning the life of a student - leisure, unaccountability and occasional slovenliness.

What if I had stayed in Israel between school years and been a poon there instead of the US? Who knows what culinary discounts I would have found, or yeshiva student drug dealers, or Shabbat dinners and red bracelets at the Western Wall? But that's not what happened. Sometimes you are where you are and you have to do it then. Or later, or not at all.

I tried to study Hebrew but wound up doing maybe 18 hours total, not impressive but life-affirming. I did have a massive bag of more than 1,000 little word cards in my backpack almost every day, so at least the words saw town, and country, and the penguins.

Speaking of penguins, I will be putting out the first-ever product from Matt Lebovic Living, my new company. 

The other day I went to the famed New England Aquarium and the framework for a fantastic home-product was conceived. I decided to produce a calendar of the resident penguins-- with commentary, comparing them to human beings. Some photos might even have a mixture of human and penguin idiots in the same shot. There promises to be suspense, artistry, distortion of detail, and the full 12 (twelve) months for 2007. 

In a matter of weeks, or when I get to it, you will be able to order this attractive work of art and practicality from the comfort of your home, on the Internet. Start spreading this blog address around so people know to get ready for the link that will take them on the Wings of Internet Eagles to the 2007 Penguin Panorama Calendar ordering page, where they will be able to order this product for themselves, friends, family members, pets, life coaches, etc.

This gem will retail for a reasonable price (by Borders Bookstore mass-produced calendars standards) and shit to the US, Israel and other nations willing to recognize the power of penguins in mirroring the human condition. Shit was not a typo. These days, many of us need calendars in our home, office, car, bathroom, and maybe even one to shove behind a legal pad and bring into office meetings to pass time.

The 2007 Penguin Panorama Calendar will feature off-color, hard-hitting and blunt commentary about the penguin lifestyle. Penguins will be seen waiting on line for the bathroom, engaging in R-rated acts, and getting ready to push the Scary Button as the Dick Cheney penguin looks on.

The 2007 Penguin Panorama Calendar. Practical. Inspirational. Topical. And totally produced without child labor except for my brain. The calendar began as a "What if?" just a few hours ago, and it should - with G-d's help in 5767 - be in your hands by November, also known as the Hebrew month of Chesvan (throat!). Lucky consumers will have several weeks to admire all 12 scenes before 2007 creeps in like a cheating politician.

"What if?" visions like this excellent and nascent home and office product should be reflective of your day goal, week goal, six-month goal, year goal, three-year goal, and, yes, even the ten-year goal. This is what my life coach told me. Cynical, I asked him, "The Muffin: Can a tool like me really design his own calendar on the Internet and people will buy it?"

Being a life coach, the Muffin replied heartily, and with a charming grin, "Yeah!"

And that's what if.