To Do List
I arrived in Tel Aviv one week ago for some pre-Jerusalem relaxation. Having come with almost no agenda, I wrote this after-the-fact "To Do" List for future visitors:
- To escape reality, avoid all media. Take a long walk, a longer nap, visit a mall, and go to the Central Bus Station to check out soldiers. Repeat daily.
- To enjoy a bathroom devoid of wildlife, go to the closest Sheraton or Hilton. Your name won't be on the guest list, so tell the guard you are there to see the Katz family. There will be at least one on the list.
- To experience Israeli culture, watch cable TV. You have "The Sopranos" with Hebrew subtitles and "Golden Girls" dubbed in German. Is it me, or does Sophia have a little black mustache?
- To partake in Tel Aviv nightlife, stay up until 2:00 AM and don your tight "Sure Thing" T-shirt. Don't expect a reaction at the local bars - some of the natives have outdone you with "Suck My Dick" T-shirts. Subtle.
- To purify yourself after some naughty years, leave Tel Aviv to take a dip (or 7) in the freezing cold mikveh used by medieval kabbalists in Tsfat. Avoid the glare of naked Orthos awaiting their turn. Mmmm.
- To annoy Orthodox children, take pictures of them at play in the park on a minor Jewish fast day (or any day, really). Play dumb when they chase you down with sticks. Run.
- To avoid frequent friskings, bag searches and other security-related delays, wear sunscreen. White skin = no bomb = like it, ACLU?
Please visit the "To Do List" photo album at right for visual aids.
